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Hello and Welcome
This is a subject that unfortunately has become very real for me.
I hope you have seen page one and gone on to
There you'll be from there.
I hope I have helped in a small way in this terrible struggle
and that you will go on to see Perhaps Love from here.



"I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.

I choose to risk my significance;
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom
and that which came to be as blossom,
goes on as fruit."
by Dawnna Markova

Imprints

When I resolve into the essence
That I most truly am,
I feel a deep conviction
With every living thing.
For that which most imbues me

With my identity
Is somehow in the other, too,
So that when I look around
I see myself - reflected.
Hidden in this union
Is the wonderful discovery
That if indeed the angels
Have wings -
Then so do I.

And if the essence of a flower
Drifts out on a gentle breeze -
Then so do I.

And if the silent mystery
Somehow becomes revealed
In tiny dewdrops fair -
Then so will I.

For every lovely thing
Manifests its essence
Of which I am a part,
So beware,my soul, beware,
And move with gentle heart,
Throughout this mystic veil.
For if Love has left its imprint here -
Then so have I!
author unknown



To the world you might be one person,
But, to one person, you just might be the world.





Living With Dying, Help for the Caregiver, part 2

Fighting Fear and Panic

Caregivers can have tidal waves of panic that come over them at unpredictable
times, such as when they are cooking or taking a shower. As with anger, panic
can overwhelm the caregiver and make them feel lonely. Often they are aware
of a painful discrepancy between the fear they feel and the calm, competent way
they feel they appear to others.

Fear is a normal emotion that occurs when we feel threatened. Worry that they
can't manage the situation, that the illness and their role in it are God's
punishment or that they won't be able to live after their loved one is gone.

Fear may cause them to feel cut off from others in a dark scary place.
Fear also causes adrenaline to surge, which is part of the fight or flight response.
When caring for someone, the caregiver can't fight or run, so they may
feel stress or anxiety, and loss of control in the form of fluttering in the
solar plexus area (sympathetic nerve complex in upper abdomen), shortness of breath,
or a pounding heart.

Two methods for dealing with fear are, first, talk with a trusted friend, asking them
to just listen and not offer advice. Talking about fear takes the edge off of it
and gives their friend a way to help. Second, recognize fear when it hits without
judging yourself and breathe slowly and deeply from the diaphragm.

Softening the Sadness

Sadness is often chronically present in caregivers. Many avoid talking about it
for fear that it will engulf them. This kind of profound grief affects the
body, mind, and spirit and begins the moment the caregiver learns that their
loved one will die before them.

Crying is very helpful, if possible. Fear of not being able to stop crying
or of social backlash prevents many from crying. No one ever started crying
that could not stop. It's appropriate to cry with the person who's dying.
Again, talking with a trusted friend or writing about sad feelings can be helpful.

Sometimes caregivers don't recognize sadness because it masquerades as another emotion, such as anger. But being sad together about the impending loss is a way the
caregiver and their loved one can share another intimacy.

Occasionally, sadness turns into a depression that makes it impossible to
function. If you, as caregiver can't get out of bed, become indifferent, or consider
suicide, report it to a mental health professional who can treat the depression
immediately.

Living With Stress

People with high stress levels are prone to cancer, arthritis, heart attacks,
and other illnesses. Watch for signs such as, inability to concentrate, becoming forgetful, headaches, backaches, shoulder tightness, gastrointestinal upset,
clenched jaw or hands, and loss of sense of humor.

Although you can't control external events, such as the impending loss of your
loved one, you have some control over your response to stressors.
Here are some tips:

-Stop negative thoughts about inadequacy as a caregiver by mentally repeating
positive thoughts, such as affirmation or positive belief. Examples could be,
"this to will pass" or "I'm doing a good job."

-Practice breathing exercises before and after stressful activities by taking
8 or 10 deep breaths while relaxing the body.

-Express feelings by talking, crying, screaming, beating a pillow or writing.

-Stop setting standards of perfection. Realize that you can't create a perfect death
for your loved one. "one thing at a time, first things first, and nothing perfect"
can be your mantra.

Resist self judgment. Remember that a rule book or grading sheet doesn't exist
for caregivers.

Ask for help. The sheer volume of work involved with caregiving contributes
to the stress of it, don't try to do it alone.

-Take breaks. A warm bubble bath or even just changing your routine may help
reduce stress. If you can't find ways to balance care of yourself with care
of your loved one, your resentment may become another source of stress.

-Write things down to remember them. Caregiving is so consuming that you
may become forgetful. a list of things to ask the nurse or to buy at the
grocery store will help you feel less scattered.

These suggestions may be easier said that done. At some point the caregiver may
require helpers on call, so they can take care of themselves while their
loved one continues to receive attention.

Sometimes a person who's dying becomes possessive and demands that the
caregiver be the only one to care for them. It is ok for you to say no to that if
it goes on for a long time or if you simply can't do it.

As the loved one's death draws near, however, they may truly need you near them
constantly. The caregiver may decide not to leave them at all rather than risk
missing their final moments.

After the Death

After the loved one dies, the caregiver may feel left behind and have to face
the question of who they will be without their loved one. Learning to find
wholeness in the unshared experience of living their own life is the challenge.

The grieving period could last years, the caregiver may find comfort in
a support group or through counseling. Caring for themselves now is primary!


reference:
Nursing 2110-April, Ms. Joan Furman
Good Shepard Hospice of Polk County

The page below, Perhaps Love, is dedicated to a very beloved friend,
it is long loading due to the John Denver/Placido Domingo song. If you haven't heard it,
it is well worth the time.